Can Stress Serve as Birth Control?

As I noted earlier, one of our cars was broken into earlier this week. We know it could happen anywhere but we've been wondering a little bit about out area for awhile now. We live in a nice neighborhood but in a "bad area." Not bad like drive bys and what not... Just not the best area when it comes to crime and drugs apparently. <---Stressful fact #1

But like I said, our little neighborhood of townhomes is nice, and we got a good deal, so we're debating a little. Our lease is up in November, so we don't have a long time to decide. In fact, I think we have a few weeks. <--- Stressful fact #2.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen my constant whining about my dead computer. Yes, my beautiful and wonderful Macbook Pro has sortof died. "Why didn't you buy the extended warranty?" Well I did. And it expired three months ago... Figures. <---Stressful fact #3

So I haven't had time to blog. Yes, I know it's only been a day, but I was trying to do a double post thing while the fundraiser is going on. <---Stressful fact #4

I'm also not able to tweet as often, make anything with Photoshop, and I have to re-organize/ start over with the cutest baby/kid/pet contest! <---Stressful facts #5, 6 and 7.

If you've emailed me and I haven't responded don't be alarmed. I haven't had much Internet time. The thoughts of my repair bill, and the fact that I didn't back all of my pictures, documents and programs up doesn't help my stress level either, and I'm constantly in a bad mood. I'm trying to relax but it's really difficult when I think about everything at once. I hate that I have to wait until Monday to do anything. I had my husband go to the genius bar at the Apple store and they did the diagnostic, and it's kind of a big problem.

I have to get my hard drive backed up before they repair it cause everything will most likely be wiped off. But I can't see anything on the screen so I can't back it up myself... My IT friend tried to hook it up to another monitor but that didn't work either.

So Monday I'm waking up at the butt crack of dawn to get my computer fixed! Apple will have to take it away and mail it back to me so it could be *gasp* a week or so until I have it back!!! *sad face*

Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I rely, and spend a little too much time on my laptop. My husband is pleased to see me more (when I'm not yelling at him to get off his computer, because he's not allowed to play on his computer when I can't play on mine.), And I see now it's Fall. Maybe its' a nice break from it all. And if anything, it's a lesson learned. I'll back up my hard drive more often, and even look into a program called Time Machine.

I'm going to do my best to publish the photo contest tonight... But don't hate me if it's more like tomorrow or Monday.

I'm also thinking of scheduling a massage for Monday. I haven't had a real day off in about a month (when I'm not working I usually babysit in the evenings on my days off), so Monday I want to take a FULL day off and detox! Seriously... I feel like I'm one broken nail away from a nervous breakdown.

Speaking of stress. As my hubs and I were looking over the coming expenses I got a little sad thinking how I had hoped we'd be spending savings money on things for a little one... Not stuff that breaks. But hey... Crap happens right? My mind began to wander and my husband said what I had been thinking inside "Maybe we should wait."

I don't think that's the final decision, but it's something I'm thinking about. What if this drama is a sign? ... Or maybe it's a test. Either way, I'm wondering if my stress this month can serve as my birth control. I know it's not good for fertility, and knowing that I'm writing this month off as a lost cause already.

I use to think that "not preventing but not trying" thing sounded ridiculous, but I think I'm beginning to understand what they mean. I can honestly say if I get a BFN next month, I doubt I'll be very disappointed. But... At least the clock is still running, so if one day I need to get help from a doctor I can saw I've been at it awhile.

On a scale from 1-10 on how badly I was trying for a baby I think I went from an 11 to a 5.

Thank heavens though, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Look at what we're doing for March of Dimes! We reached our half-way goal in one week! There's still three more weeks, and more time to donate, and win prizes! I have a feeling we'll make our goal. Thanks so much to all of you who have blogged about this cause and been helping me spread the word. And a BIG thank you to those who have donated! 100% of the donations are going to March of Dimes, and 100% of the prizes are going to donors! Yep! This is all for you! :)

I'm still getting more interested sponsors too, so be on the lookout for my coming features!

I'm hoping starting Sunday or Monday to get a couple of sponsor features up a day. Luckily we have another computer (it just isn't as pretty or as easy for me to use as my Mac). If I stay up late a few nights I think I'll be able to write a bunch and schedule them to post so I can relax more during the week!

Sorry that 90% of this post was me whining. I think sometimes I've just gotta let it out!!

The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?