The Meanies: A Response From the Editor

I felt like I needed to spend a little time clearing some things up because my last post stirred up some apparent controversy I didn't know existed (then again, with mom bloggers I've learned almost everything can be controversial) and I had to do something I HATE doing... Delete comments. Yes, and not only that, I also turned OFF anonymous comments. Here's why...

As you may know, my post yesterday was about a gift I call my hopeful "push present." I wrote a post before about them (which actually got NO rude anonymous comments) and the tradition behind them in some cultures.

My post yesterday was about finding a gift I'd love for the whole family... Something I'd like to use to document the whole journey with. Something I didn't think was very selfish as I was actually planning on getting one anyway, why not consolidate the gift as a push/anniversary/Christmas/birthday gift?

Normally I'll leave comments from people who disagree with me because I welcome a difference in opinion and I like to see all sides in things, but these comments got a little out of hand, and some hurt my feelings so I decided to delete them. Besides... I want to print out my blog one day for my family to see (helpful comments and all) and I'd rather my kids not read from the trolls.

I also generally don't respond to comments in the comments section because I don't think people come back to read them... But because I went against my journalistic instinct and deleted the comments I decided to post them here and give a response to each comment (Yes, I know this isn't necessary but I'm doing this for me). I'm not trying to "feed the beast" or give into them, I'm just trying to explain myself to them and anyone else who maybe was VERY confused by my message. Plus, I don't like contention and I'm taking this like a "letter to the editor." So Anonymous #1-6 I hope you come back to read this!

Anonymous comment #1: Why does anyone deserve a "push present?" You want to be pregnant, you want to have a baby, it's your choice. And what if you never get pregnant? This blog is premature, pun intended.

Future Mama's response: Why wouldn't a woman deserve a push present if that's what she wants? It's a tradition in many cultures, and who are you to judge those who get them or want them? As far as this blog being premature.. Thanks, sorta. The whole point of this blog was for me to research things about conception, pregnancy and beyond. I think there should be more planned and thought-out pregnancies.

And if I can't get pregnant... I'll adopt. But I'd still like that camera.

Anonymous comment #2: You're not even pregnant and planning your push present? I've never heard of anyone so obsessed with being pregnant before. Maybe you should let the big man upstairs take care of it and when it's time it will happen! How does this not drive your husband insane?

Future Mama's response: My husband loves me, and he loves my ultra-planning personality. He's not insane... Yet.

Anonymous comment #3: I know anonymous comments are sort of lame, but I have to agree with anonymous commenter above me. You are planning this a little TOO Much IMO. If you try so hard chances are it isnt going ot happen when you want and then ur going to be disappointed!

Future Mama's response: "I know anonymous comments are lame but..." - signed Anonymous. Nouf said!

But in response to your comment... I do sometimes over-plan, and I'm working on that. If you've read previous posts you'd know I'm starting yoga to help with stress (since stress can lead to having a harder time conceiving). But I don't think I'll be too disappointed if it doesn't happen right away. I've waited this long. I'm sure I'd still find more to write about and plan then.

Anonymous comment #4: I also agree! Calm down already!

Future Mama's response: Got it!

Anonymous comment #5 (in response to a tweet I sent suggesting these are the same person): Def not same person!

Future Mama's response: Suuuure.

Anonymous comment #6: I think the idea of push present is incredibly selfish. The present should be that precious LIFE that you have just created and brought into this world. The present is seeing those beautiful eyes, the tiny toes, the sweet fingertips, and knowing that this life was created inside of you. Why would you demand a camera, or jewelry? Why put even more financial strain on a family by demanding a push present? You aren't even trying to conceive yet, give it a rest. There are other women out there who have been trying to conceive children for YEARS who no longer read your blog because you are incredibly selfish and have no idea that amount of emotional energy, patience, and mental health go into trying to conceive.

Future Mama's response: I'm sorry you think it's selfish. In my post I talked about how my child will be the greatest gift I could get But I also think every woman... Every mother deserves an additional gift if that's what she so desires. I know a lot of women who have received a push present for each child, and whether or not you want one is your own personal decision, so don't judge me!

I'm not sure if you took the time to read the post or if you were coming over and commenting because your friend told you to. I'm not demanding a push present... And who's to say I'd be putting financial strain on my family? That's awfully presumptuous of you.

I'm not blogging for you or anyone else, I'm blogging for me. If you choose to be offended by what I've said I'm sorry, but the point of my blog is to ask questions, find answers, and find joy in the journey of preparing to be a mother. What's wrong with spending some time (less than a year) preparing for one of the biggest decisions of my life?

No, I don't know what it's like spending years trying to conceive, and I'm not pretending like I do. But I DO know how much emotional energy, patience and mental, physical and spiritual health goes into PREPARING to try to conceive, and waiting for the right time to make that decision. Maybe YOU don't know how hard that is. Counting the years of marriage wondering when it'll be my turn to be pregnant. Watching my friends have babies, throwing them showers. Wondering when my spouse and I will BOTH be on the same page and want to have a child... Then one of us loses our job and plans change AGAIN. Waiting for even the simplest things to fall in place, and finding joy in planning the little things. Discovering comfort in researching ways to get my mind, body and spirit ready to conceive while I wait for Him to be ready.--All the while praying I'll be ABLE to have a baby when it's time to start trying.

I'm not making light of your situation so don't make light of mine. And don't act like you don't dream of pictures you'd like to take of your new baby too... Even if it's with a brand spanking new camera!

So from now on... or until I feel like changing the settings, if you have something rude you want to say, you're going to have to have the balls to put your name with it.

What do you do to trolls? Or am I the only one they pick on?

The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?

The Next One Bites the Dust

This is one that I've been waiting a little while to cross off. I had to keep the secret for a little while but now the cat's out of the bag! I blogged about the shock of this one earlier. I remember a specific conversation Heidi and I had at work. I was saying how I couldn't wait to have kids one day... Maybe soon. And she expressed how she had big plans and babies weren't in the near future. Boy were we both surprised about her news! But we're all happy! I did tell her right away that she couldn't stay on my cool list though. Nope, no Heidi you are kicked off of this one.

The funny thing is I thought for sure she'd be one of the last ones off... Perhaps THE last couple. Now that they're gone anyone's game.

Another very close friend of mine may be getting crossed off the list very soon too. I told her once she found out she could tell her husband, but then she'd have to tell me :o) We'll see if she keeps her promise. I won't be sad if not, but I'll get to kick her off the cool list either way.

Chow and Russ
Cody and Marco
Becky and Ryan

Evette and David
Gina and Cody
Heidi and William-Due 10/09
Heather and Bryce
Hilary and Cory
Kailee and Trent
Kim and Clay
Jana and Dave
Jen and John
Jessica and Reece-Due 08/09
Megan and Claudy
Randi and Chad
Sarah and Dave

Sophia and Jacob
Shannon and John
Sharyl and Sonny
Stephanie and Patrick
Stacey and Spencer

Yes, I'm still jealous but you know what, it's subdued a lot over the past week or so. I now feel like I'm sincerely happy for my friends. It used to feel like they were living the life I deep down wanted and I was jealous of their experiences. I think part of it was the shock of some of the announcements I was hearing, from people I didn't expect to hear it from. That in turn made me feel like I was letting my destiny pass me by. But now... Today, I'm feeling more like I'm happy where I'm at. I feel like I'm on to something... Something big in my life is coming (I love change) but I'm not sure if that'll be in the form of a human spawn yet. But we'll see! Until then, I'm really happy for my friends. I'm over the shock of some of the news, sharing their joys and I'm ready for anything. So Chow, Cody, Becky, Gina, Heather, Hillary, Kim, Jen, Megan, Randi, Sarah, Shannon, Sharyl, Stacey, Bring it on! (Not you Stephanie cause I have to have the first grandchild!)

The Shocking News

I had a dream the other night about a friend of mine... A friend at work being pregnant. I told her a few days later about my dream, about how real it felt and how sure I was that she could have been pregnant. We talk about kids, babies a lot. Our baby itch, and urges. I was sure that's why I was having the dream. For kicks and giggles we looked up the meaning for dreaming about friends being pregnant and couldn't find any. A few days later I think I found the meaning...

Another friend of mine...One of my closest, best friends told me she's pregnant. My dream was the same day she found out. She also swore me to secrecy. She's only told another mutual friend and her husband the news, and she's terrified. I couldn't believe it, but the first emotion that surged through my body was jealousy. The second, only a millisecond later was extreme excitement. I couldn't believe it. But really... She was one of the last people I thought I'd cross off my "cool list." I really thought I'd have a child before her so this is probably some of the biggest news I've heard in a long time.

She's married. We've hung out together as couples and done things in the past. She and I have talked a little about kids... We both have a lot in common and waiting to have kids is/was a common denominator.

She told me how this came as a surprise to her. She missed a week of birth control, awaiting a new pack. Then went back on, but didn't use another form of BC during the first week back on it. She thought they'd be fine but apparently she's pretty fertile.

I'm so excited for her, and I am also spontaneously turning into an emotional wreck. She told me while I was at work, and an hour or two later it just hit me. It was so bad, I choked up while I was anchoring! No seriously, I was struggling through one of my scripts and had a hard time pulling it together. Luckily I was talking about death and fires so it sort of fit, but I had to get a grip before the cheery Valentines stuff.

I've already taken the roll of being her never-been-pregnant not-even-a-mom advisor. I'm practically planning her baby shower already! I'm really excited for her. She told me she doesn't know anyone her age with kids and I told her she should come to my church ;o) (If you're LDS you know what I mean).

She also said she's really nervous about providing for her child, continuing her career, gaining weight... A lot of things I've mentioned here. And while she told me she wished she had been thinking about the same things I've been thinking of the past year I just sat, listening, and wishing I was in her shoes. Yea, it'll be hard, it'll be a struggle, and you weren't expecting it. But it happened! What are you going to do? All you can do is be happy now!

I think I'm emotional because I'm shocked... I didn't expect it. And because we are SO much alike--Knowing she's having a child now makes me think I could do it. I think I'm jealous because getting pregnant unexpectedly takes so much pressure off. You just have to go with it. I think I'm a little pissed too... No wait, I think that's just the jealousy talking.

What has gotten into me?! Am I actaully saying I want one because she's having one? Seriously? WTF? I think it's more that that but I can't explain it. Can anyone explain this emotion? If I want a freakin' baby I can have a freakin' baby, so why am I jealous someone else, one of my best friends beat me to it?

So I just thought I'd journal about this extreme turn of events that's left me shocked, and feeling a hint of whiplash from my change in desires and decisions.

And seriously, if one more person tells me they're pregnant right now, I think I may punch them something...

Just kidding.

...Sortof. I may just scream and cry in my pillow.

The List- Update 1

Yep, another one bites the dust. I leave you guys for a week, come back, and half of yall are knocked up again ;o)

Yes I'm back from my trip and it was AmAzInG! I'll update soon... But probably have to break it up into a few parts.

Well it's time to update the list. Remember my cute friend Mrs. Cook? Well, #2 is cooking for her too! Congrats Jamie, (also my first mommy of the month selection).

Jessica F. found out she's pregnant too! Oh but it doesn't stop there. My friend Jessica I, who was on my short, ever-so-shrinking list of friends without kids is also expecting! She apparently had to take 4 test to believe it. Congrats Jessica and Reece--Yall are no longer in my cool club.

So I have 4 friends (so far who are out of the closet) due in August. For 2 it's their first and for 2 it's their second. I wasn't predicting Jessica and Reece to be next but I am sure excited for them!

Chow and Russ
Cody and Marco
Becky and Ryan
Gina and Cody
Heidi and William
Heather and Bryce
Hilary and Cory
Kim and Clay
Jana and Dave
Jen and John
Jessica and Reece-Due 08/09
Megan and Claudy
Randi and Chad
Sarah and Dave
Shannon and John
Sharyl and Sonny
Stephanie and Patrick
Stacey and Spencer