Your Blog Makes Me Hate Myself

Some days I'll spend hours online browsing around my friend's blogs. I use to mostly browse the blogs of people I know, and read their posts about their growing families, their vacations, their love for being at home with their kids, their excitement over their new homes.

At first my eyes would be wide and oogly. I enjoyed reading about the lives of first time moms, the joys of being a mother and I'd sigh staring at the adorable family portraits page after page. By the end of my browsing my eyes were full of tears and my onlooking husband would be asking what in the world I had seen online that could be that devastating. I'd be practically depressed the rest of the day, sobbing through my jealousy, all the while being even more angry with myself for being so upset when I'm so blessed.

My husband noticed a pattern. Whenever I'd read my friend's blogs I'd find a reason to be in a crappy mood the rest of the day. He told me to stop. Either stop being envious or stop reading the things that would conjure up those feelings.

I know it wasn't my friends' fault. It was my stupid fault for CHOOSING to be jealous. But I can't help but wonder if the "Keeping up with the Joneses" mentality is stronger these days since people's lives are so readily accessible. Back in the day you only heard about things to be jealous of when you talked to the person themselves, or heard it through gossip... Which then you can only half believe. Nowadays you can hear everyone's good news and braggings through Facebook updates, blog postings, Myspace emails (do people still use that?) PLUS everyday chit chat.

As my blog became my escape from life and my personal online column I'd pour my heart into, I searched out to find others who shared the same hobby. As I discovered other blogs I developed Blog Envy. I'd get envious of people having more subscribers. Envious of people who have more hits than me, who have more comments, cool companies sponsoring giveaways, more visibility. Hearing that Dooce makes $40K a month from her blog made me a little jealous.

But as time has gone on I've learned how to control my emotions better but every now and then I still find a way to compare myself. Whether it be a job promotion I read about on Facebook that I wish I had or financial support from relatives, sometimes the sting of jealousy seeps through for a few moments, but they usually don't linger.

I'm not sure how but somehow, somewhere I began to really just let it go, appreciate my blessings and be happy for my friend's happiness. Besides, we don't always know what's going on behind the scenes.

I don't have a big house. We're not a single income family (yet), I have to work, one of our cars has over 160K miles and no AC, our parents can't afford to give us handouts, and after 5 years of marriage we aren't as far along as some of our friends who have been married half the time.

BUT... I have a cute, well behaved dog, a husband who contributes domestically in ways I never could, faith in God, and more blessings than I can count. I know I've been put here and now and given my circumstances for a reason and I know I'm in no position to complain at all. It's easy to compare myself to people who have more than I but I know that we are TRULY blessed and I have no room to be upset.

Your blog may have made me jealous at some point, but I'm over my immaturity now, I'm happy for you, and I'm grateful for my challenges as well as my blessings. I'm way too blessed to be stressed, and when it comes down to it, the greatest wealth in my life is my family and our faith, and nothing can take that away.

Have you every been bitten by the blog envy bug?

The Pendulum Swings

Part of me wishes I had been blogging during this entire trip just so I could remember the way my mind is spinning from day to day.

Wednesday--Nearly halfway through my trip I was ecstatic...Thrilled... I had NEVER been so happy to go to the dentist for that second opinion and whatever drilling and pain medication I'd need done before attempting to procreate. I was ready! The essentials of my Baby Bucket List were complete and there was only one thing holding me back. I'm not going to say any names but it rhymes with "musband."

That was pretty much my overall feeling for the past moth or so...Until now. I felt little pricks of the adversary here and there, but today the opposition crashed into me like a wave.

I'm normally not the jealous type. I've never envied someone's job because I've always felt like I could work to get there myself. I've never wished I could travel more like _______ or that I had so and so's wardrobe. I've always been content and very aware of my blessings. ...But I do have a weakness lately--A sore spot--if bumped, turns me into a completely different person.

It's not something I can express in one simple sentence, it's a way of life I admire and want to achieve.--It's the full package.

We've come a long way since our beginning together. We couldn't afford a kitchen table when we got married so we used the largest cardboard box we could find and some fold-out camping chairs we got for our wedding. We were broke, but we loved it--Not so much the broke part, but being newlyweds. We mostly lived off spaghetti and Ramen noodles... And when we did eat out it was Sonic 5 for $5 on Monday nights and cheap Taco Tuesday. We didn't have friends who had much more than us--And kids weren't even a thought in our minds.

Now four years, four promotions, a condo, degree, and cross-country move later I'm wondering where all the time has gone, and why I am still struggling.

I cried one recent morning after witnessing the immense blessings of two of my friends. I know I'm blessed--I'm not trying to deny the wondrous ways the Lord has worked in my life.--But I'm torn with the desires of my heart and the desires of my mind.

I want a child--There's no doubt about that. But I feel like we can't because of money. Sure, we'd get by. But I don't know if I want to just get by. Is that even fair to my child?

What's worse--I'm afraid to tell my husband how I'm feeling because I know my worries would only amplify his. Oh, and that little September goal of ours... That would be out the window.

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The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?

The Next One Bites the Dust

This is one that I've been waiting a little while to cross off. I had to keep the secret for a little while but now the cat's out of the bag! I blogged about the shock of this one earlier. I remember a specific conversation Heidi and I had at work. I was saying how I couldn't wait to have kids one day... Maybe soon. And she expressed how she had big plans and babies weren't in the near future. Boy were we both surprised about her news! But we're all happy! I did tell her right away that she couldn't stay on my cool list though. Nope, no Heidi you are kicked off of this one.

The funny thing is I thought for sure she'd be one of the last ones off... Perhaps THE last couple. Now that they're gone anyone's game.

Another very close friend of mine may be getting crossed off the list very soon too. I told her once she found out she could tell her husband, but then she'd have to tell me :o) We'll see if she keeps her promise. I won't be sad if not, but I'll get to kick her off the cool list either way.

Chow and Russ
Cody and Marco
Becky and Ryan

Evette and David
Gina and Cody
Heidi and William-Due 10/09
Heather and Bryce
Hilary and Cory
Kailee and Trent
Kim and Clay
Jana and Dave
Jen and John
Jessica and Reece-Due 08/09
Megan and Claudy
Randi and Chad
Sarah and Dave

Sophia and Jacob
Shannon and John
Sharyl and Sonny
Stephanie and Patrick
Stacey and Spencer

Yes, I'm still jealous but you know what, it's subdued a lot over the past week or so. I now feel like I'm sincerely happy for my friends. It used to feel like they were living the life I deep down wanted and I was jealous of their experiences. I think part of it was the shock of some of the announcements I was hearing, from people I didn't expect to hear it from. That in turn made me feel like I was letting my destiny pass me by. But now... Today, I'm feeling more like I'm happy where I'm at. I feel like I'm on to something... Something big in my life is coming (I love change) but I'm not sure if that'll be in the form of a human spawn yet. But we'll see! Until then, I'm really happy for my friends. I'm over the shock of some of the news, sharing their joys and I'm ready for anything. So Chow, Cody, Becky, Gina, Heather, Hillary, Kim, Jen, Megan, Randi, Sarah, Shannon, Sharyl, Stacey, Bring it on! (Not you Stephanie cause I have to have the first grandchild!)

The Shocking News

I had a dream the other night about a friend of mine... A friend at work being pregnant. I told her a few days later about my dream, about how real it felt and how sure I was that she could have been pregnant. We talk about kids, babies a lot. Our baby itch, and urges. I was sure that's why I was having the dream. For kicks and giggles we looked up the meaning for dreaming about friends being pregnant and couldn't find any. A few days later I think I found the meaning...

Another friend of mine...One of my closest, best friends told me she's pregnant. My dream was the same day she found out. She also swore me to secrecy. She's only told another mutual friend and her husband the news, and she's terrified. I couldn't believe it, but the first emotion that surged through my body was jealousy. The second, only a millisecond later was extreme excitement. I couldn't believe it. But really... She was one of the last people I thought I'd cross off my "cool list." I really thought I'd have a child before her so this is probably some of the biggest news I've heard in a long time.

She's married. We've hung out together as couples and done things in the past. She and I have talked a little about kids... We both have a lot in common and waiting to have kids is/was a common denominator.

She told me how this came as a surprise to her. She missed a week of birth control, awaiting a new pack. Then went back on, but didn't use another form of BC during the first week back on it. She thought they'd be fine but apparently she's pretty fertile.

I'm so excited for her, and I am also spontaneously turning into an emotional wreck. She told me while I was at work, and an hour or two later it just hit me. It was so bad, I choked up while I was anchoring! No seriously, I was struggling through one of my scripts and had a hard time pulling it together. Luckily I was talking about death and fires so it sort of fit, but I had to get a grip before the cheery Valentines stuff.

I've already taken the roll of being her never-been-pregnant not-even-a-mom advisor. I'm practically planning her baby shower already! I'm really excited for her. She told me she doesn't know anyone her age with kids and I told her she should come to my church ;o) (If you're LDS you know what I mean).

She also said she's really nervous about providing for her child, continuing her career, gaining weight... A lot of things I've mentioned here. And while she told me she wished she had been thinking about the same things I've been thinking of the past year I just sat, listening, and wishing I was in her shoes. Yea, it'll be hard, it'll be a struggle, and you weren't expecting it. But it happened! What are you going to do? All you can do is be happy now!

I think I'm emotional because I'm shocked... I didn't expect it. And because we are SO much alike--Knowing she's having a child now makes me think I could do it. I think I'm jealous because getting pregnant unexpectedly takes so much pressure off. You just have to go with it. I think I'm a little pissed too... No wait, I think that's just the jealousy talking.

What has gotten into me?! Am I actaully saying I want one because she's having one? Seriously? WTF? I think it's more that that but I can't explain it. Can anyone explain this emotion? If I want a freakin' baby I can have a freakin' baby, so why am I jealous someone else, one of my best friends beat me to it?

So I just thought I'd journal about this extreme turn of events that's left me shocked, and feeling a hint of whiplash from my change in desires and decisions.

And seriously, if one more person tells me they're pregnant right now, I think I may punch them something...

Just kidding.

...Sortof. I may just scream and cry in my pillow.

The Jealous Factor

Some of my friends here in Austin don't believe I have lots of friends who are married with kids but I dedicate this blog to the proof. And they make me sick! Ok... Not really but look...

Take Exhibit A for example. This is my friend Kristen and her family. Her little boy is 2 years old and such a cutie! Don't they look like they're living a life of bliss.

Exhibit A

Now let's look below to Exhibit B. Tanya and I have been friends since high school. She moved into my ward a long long time ago and we've keep in touch since. Now mostly through blogging. I remember when she told me she was pregnant with this little one and now #2 is cooking. Young, beautiful, mom.

Exhibit B

Just when you think it couldn't get any better we're brought to Exhibit C. The Cooks. I worked with Jamie while attending BYU. She was the cutest pregnant TV show host you'd ever see! I was one of her successors but I don't think my belly ever looked as adorable as hers.Exhibit C

Mind you all of these women are 25 or younger! So my Austin friends, you can stop makin' me feel like I'm the only young person in the world crazy for getting married young and contemplating spawning.

Oh and trust me, there's more where that came from, here's a few more:

And really, it doesn't end! I'll just stop now so I don't seem like a complete picture stalker psycho.

Is it just me or does youthful spawning automatically give you a gorgeous aura?