The Premature Breakdown

I don't know what it was or where it came from, but the conversation of "when"--The official goal-setting timetable of what we want accomplished first and when we hope my Baby Makin' Machine will officially switch "ON"--also turned on the knobs to my water works.

I've always been a big crier, so normally my sudden tears wouldn't surprise my husband too much, but this time it only confused him.

Him: "You're worried you're what?"
Me: *Sniffles*
Him: ???!
Me: "That I'm infertile!!"
Him: "What?!" (tries to stifle a laugh)
Me: "DON'T LAUGH AT ME!"
Him: "Well don't you think it's a little early to be worried about that?"
Me: "I don't know... All of my friends are getting pregnant on accident, and we've been married four and a half years and that hasn't happened to us!"
Him: "So you're worried because your birth control hasn't failed?" (tries to hide a smile)
Me: "Ye--No!"
Him: (Obviously laughing) "You are worried you're infertile because the birth control is doing what it's suppose to do?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Him: "Don't worry about that, it'll all work out. But if you are going to worry about it, at least wait until we're not trying to not get pregnant."

I had thought about it before but never had the worry hit me like I let it this time. We had a serious conversation about "whatifs"-- Though quite early, and probably unnecessary, it was nice to get it all out and talk about options and solutions beforehand.

Unfortunately, we're not the type who will have an in-between period where we'll "not try, not prevent." Both of us are a little too controlling to do that. We either want it or we don't--There's not really anything in-between about it.

Planning so much has really made me think I'm going to be a nutcase when it's time to rock and roll, and I worry that will prohibit me from achieving the ultimate goal...Actually, based on what I've read, I'm pretty sure it will. Getting all of this out made me think I'll be able to be calm and just let things happen. And while I still sometimes worry and think about and try to plan a step ahead of the "whatifs" I've decided to cross that bridge when I actually get there--Even through it's scary not knowing what's on the other side of that bridge.

Are you or were you ever worried about this?--Is it a normal woman thing?

The Sex Natzi

You know that commercial that goes: "When you're ready to have a baby, nine months is long enough to wait?" Well, they fail to mention 1. That is actually more like 10 months and 2. All the waiting beforehand!

There are a few technicalities I'm trying to work out during the next few months, before turning the Baby Makin' Machine "on" and into full-gear--But in the mean time, I'm planning my strategy--Sketching my blueprints--Setting the table--for when it's All Systems Go.

...You think I'm kidding? I'm planning a little D B Day of my own over here and there's going to be no excuses for not following my rules.

If he only knew what I have in store, he'd sleep with one eye open. I've already got plans for a few pair of underwear that just aint gonna make the cut. That's right-- Any undies that are the slightest bit tight... Gotta go! Can have any tighty-whities hurting the team.

Speaking of the team--Forget saving electricity. It's hot in Texas, and desperate times call for desperate measures... We're not sacrificing the swimmers for a cheaper electric bill.--And you'd better believe I'll turn the hot water off if I have to. Hunni likes to take a hot bath every now and then but that little habit has gotta go too.

Peas? "NO you can't eat that, what are you THINKING?!" ...We hardly eat them, but you'd better believe they're out of our diet for the next--Until I'm pregnant. Take the vitamin hun... I'm already taking one everyday, 'bout time he starts too.

Now's the time I also thank the Lord my hunni's not a biker... Cause I'd hate to make him quit a hobby.

And when my temperature shoots up and it's time to rock and roll...The dog is going to his own room and the house WILL be on lock-down. And I may just have to bust out those newlywed handcuffs again.

It's sad. Because I know if pregnancy just happened... I'd live with it. But knowing that I'm actually going to have to WORK for this makes me nervous. What if I fail? If it takes awhile? I know they say it does for most people but that's just not fair. People who want to, have to wait. And people who don't want to, get it anyway?

What if my Baby Makin' Machine is broken--And this whole time, all these years I just had no idea? Not. Fair. Every single month of failure will be TORTUROUS!

...I know stress can make things harder too... Perhaps that's a good excuse to get a spa massage daily during this process. And should I get one of these?

I promise I will NOT take fertility for granted. I've met my fair share of women struggling and who have struggled and my heart aches for them just reading and hearing about their stories. If I'm faced with the same challenge I worry I won't be as strong.

Having a baby isn't something I've wanted or admitted until very recently. Now it's practically all I can think about. Yea, I go back and forth a little still, but deep down I know there's a looming "yes" underneath all of my doubts.

I'm already tracking and researching... My sweet husband, when it's time to turn the Baby Makin' Machine "ON"... Poor guy's not going to know what hit him.

The Surrogate

20/20 is giving me a lot of blog material lately. I came across a story the other day about a woman who had 3 kids of her own and 8 kids for other people. She's a Serial Surrogate and says giving the baby she carried to the parents who couldn't carry it themselves is the best present she can give.

She became a surrogate mother when she was looking for a job she could do from home so she could spend time with her 3 young children. She says she loves being pregnant, and loves the attention she gets as a pregnant woman.

While you get $25K-$40K per pregnancy something tells me that's not worth it (that's in the U.S., interestingly enough in Britain the surrogate mother can't be paid for more than "reasonable expenses due to pregnancy"). I've never experienced pregnancy but from what I've seen and heard it's not too pretty. I'm not sure how "life threatening" it is but putting yourself at that kind of health risk for someone seems like it could be a really hard challenge. Would you or could you do it?

Supposedly the people she carries the baby for are couples who just can't carry their own child... as in the embryo is theirs. Do you think there's anything morally wrong with that? Personally, I don't. I mean, I think it would be hard to sacrifice that much for someone else but I don't think it's wrong.

I'm not gonna lie. It's crossed my mind before... The thought of hiring a surrogate (yea, I'm a hypocrite I know). I didn't think long an hard about it but at one point in time I thought "yea, hire someone else to do all the work. Sweet!" Now I don't think that's an option I'd consider unless I medically couldn't carry my own child. I definitely think I'd consider adoption first--But let's pray I am not limited to choose either.

Either way I thought it was a very interesting story. Myself being a journalist, I find people like this very intriguing and if I ever meet a being like this I'd trap them and ask them 20 questions.
Here's the report: