The Best of Both Worlds--My Quest to Find it

I'm not sure what's gotten into me. I've gone from the young, ambitious woman, ready to climb to the top of the journalism world--Maybe have a couple of kids at some point. To definitely having kids, still being a reporter powerhouse. To wanting my first kid sooner than I thought--I'll squeeze it into my career plans. To having a kid and adorable family is my first priority and hoping my fantastic career will fall into place.

I thought I was always ambitious and career minded, but looking at journal entries from years past makes me remember otherwise. I've always had big goals for my career, and had a very supportive husband, but been very open to him providing if that's what we wanted.

I never use to envy women who stayed at home with their children all day. I always wanted to have a career where I could still develop my skills and be a successful woman while still being a mom. And it wasn't until very recently I became jealous of those women who could be at home.

Last week I was browsing through some friend's blogs, catching up on their lives and looking through pictures. I stopped at one blog of a girlfriend I use to work with in college. She's pregnant with #2 and is a stay at home mother. It wasn't what she wrote on her blog that struck the sensitive nerve inside me, but a picture she had with about 20 other women, all stay at home wives/mothers, and their husbands were all in graduate school.

"That must be nice" was the first thought that came to mind. I found myself wishing I had a big group of girlfriends with playmates for my young children. That I could get together during the day and talk and bake and play while my husband worked outside the home--Or not even worked, just went to school. My main responsibility--though a huge one--Raising our children.

I envied the fact that they may not plan to--Or have to, work a day in their child's young life, and they can afford to do that. --Knowing that probably won't be the case for me.

My emotions boiled over, the tears came, and I couldn't help but express my frustration to my husband--The jealousy I felt for all of the women I knew who were brave enough to live off their husband's income (or even lack thereof), and not have to work. That simple picture brought a million questions to the front of my mind. Why was I so ambitious? Why do I want to work? Why did I move us across the country for a career I may be doubting myself in a few years from now?

He reassured me things aren't always what they seem. That that makes me unique, and that there may be women out there who wished they were in my shoes.

To be honest it's hard to believe someone who has the "best/hardest" job in the world would want to switch places with someone who has a "difficult/not necessarily the best" job.

But I'm trying to keep my chin up. If there's anything I know about our relationship it's that everything has happened for a reason, and I'm sure things will continue to unfold that way. I just pray that one day--I can have the best of both worlds.

The WAHM

I don't know many personally, but I feel like for me, this would be my ideal "mom situation"--If I could find a way to still do what I do professionally, but be at home for my children.

I'm not saying it would be easy, (let's not go down that road again) I'm sure it isn't, and I'm guessing the road to get there is going to be difficult as well. Especially being that I only have one talent... Writing. Well, if talking people's ear off is a talent then I'd say that's a trait I have too. Oh and listening... I think I'm a good listener, (but I'll let my husband be the judge).

For the past 5 or so years I've always done something relating to journalism, or writing. I've written for newspapers, local magazines, reported for several TV and radio stations, I love what I do. I've never really liked one particular area of journalism over another, I like it all. With TV, most of the time it's fast paced and exciting, but a lot of times you don't get to shape your story as much as you can with print, or even radio. All of them have deadlines... Which I love, but some are more flexible... Or longer than others.

Sometimes I love being on TV, sometimes I absolutely hate it. I love with print I can say so much more, but I love the intimacy of seeing the people in a TV story and hearing that characters voice.

The biggest plus I see with print is the fact that you can do it from home. You can call a source on the phone and get the interview you need. It's a big advantage, especially for someone who would want to work from home. If I keep doing what I do now I'd basically have to choose between working while being a mom, or putting the broadcast career on hold.

I'm no where near ready to retire from my love of broadcast news, but I'm craving more writing opportunities and the chance to work at my own pace, my own length. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I would hope that one day I could write from home, do stories for papers or magazines, and make my own schedule. Man, how that would be nice. It's not something that happens overnight, it would take a long time to build up and do what I need to do to make as much from home as I do at work full time... Not to mention the benefits I get from working for a corporation. But it's something I hope I can work toward, especially so I don't feel like I'm missing family milestones and special moments. It's a special desire I hope I can one day achieve.

Are you trying to be at home one way or another, or are you at home already? How do you do it? And how did you get there?

PS: To read more about what's turned into a "Mother Situation Series" click here.

The Working Mom

My mom was a working mom, so was my husband's mom. That's just normal to us. Most likely this will be me. I think there are ups and downs with the duty of motherhood tied in with another full-time job. Like I said here, I'm hoping my husband can help with some of the homemaking, kid raising duties (at least at first), but we'll see what happens.

My mom was a working mom, not because she wanted to be, but because she had to be. She found cheap childcare until I was old enough to watch my siblings after school and during the summer time and we were at home alone. For a little while my mom worked an overnight shift, so she would be home most of the day while we were, but a lot of the time she'd be sleeping so my sister and I entertained ourselves.

I know being a working mom was challenging for her not only because she hated being away from us, but because we were hard work! Luckily, (although we weren't perfect kids by any means), my sister who is four years younger than I, and myself were pretty good at keeping to ourselves.

Our sister Lauren was next, she is 11 years younger than I. Then my brother, Michael was adopted and closed the age gap between the youngest two.

Being the oldest, I did a lot of help around the house. I changed countless diapers and really learned how to take care of us all. When my parents weren't home (which was a lot) I was in charge, and responsible for any damage that was done. A lot of times I was in charge of helping people with homework, and making a quick dinner. For a time, I was in charge of making sure my siblings got to their activities and practices, then got home and ready for bed.

Growing up with no parents staying home had it's up and down sides. The up side is I learned how to do practical things that still help me today. I learned responsibility, and I grew up REAL fast. On the down side, I wasn't use to many home cooked meals, to this day, I still have a hard time making a meal from a cook book--And I didn't get much help with homework. It broke my mother's heart when she couldn't make it to my talent shows or cheerleading games, but you know what... She still made it to most things. She came to my pageants, helped me get ready for prom. She was working but I remember her being there when it mattered most.

My mom was working then, and she's STILL doing it! The next child came 9 years after Lauren--My youngest sister is 3. I'm the oldest of five children, and my mother has pretty much been at work the whole time. Quite a bit of the time she was doing it by herself too. My dad was on the road as a truck driver and she had to work as well as take care of us. They separated about five years ago, and divorced a couple of years ago. Now my mother has a 14, 12, and 3 year old at home she's taking care of alone, AND working MORE than 40 hours a week to support them.

On a slight side note, I'm not writing this to dog on my dad. My dad has (especially recently) been there for me more than anyone in my family. We've had our rough patches in life but I know he's there for me. My mom though, does not have an easy job.

If I am a working mother I think I'll face different challenges. It'll be hard for me to feel like I'm missing things. I hate being left out, and the thought of missing the first smile, first laugh, first steps, makes my heart sink already.

I'd like that my sons and daughters would grow up seeing their mother as a professional career woman. Someone putting my degree and skills to good use. They could witness first hand that hard work can pay off with a successful career... But I don't want them to think I wasn't there when they needed me.

I think I put extra pressure on myself to be a career woman because of my background. Being a black, LDS woman makes me want to work five times as hard as an average person because I feel like I want to do things people said I couldn't do.

Growing up people would assume I got into BYU because I was black... No, I was accepted because I had a 3.7 GPA, I was class president, and graduated high school a year before the rest of my class. I hate it when people assume I am where I am because of the way I look. I am where I am because I've worked my 'A' off.

Giving up what I've worked my whole life for, career wise, would be a challenge for me. It's not something I'm unwilling to do, I just think... I've gotten this far so it would be hard to stop now.

Lucky for me I have a great, very supportive husband who already does most... Ok pretty much all of the housework (I'm actually writing this while he's doing a deep clean in the kitchen). Hopefully we'll be able to find a balance that works for our family. And I pray that I will never have to raise our future children alone.

Being a mom... PERIOD is difficult. I don't have to be a mom to know that. I don't know that from experience but I can tell from the passion of my readers, and by looking at my own mom. I don't think it matters what kind of mom you are SAHM, WAHM, WM, or just MOM... If I have the opportunity to be at home with my future children I hope I will see it as a blessing...It's a blessing my mother dreamed of but has yet to have. I think being a working mom must also be very difficult, especially if you don't have a husband at home taking care of the children, or just someone to help share the duties... But after witnessing what my mother does, for ME...being a working single mom would be the most difficult job in the world.

PS: To read more of what's turned into a "SAHM Series" click here. Tomorrow I'm writing about my dream job (today)... "The WAHM"

The SAHM Pt. 3

Ok wow, never have I posted three post in one day nor have I gotten such a stir from one topic! Obviously I've struck a chord here. First off I want to say I appreciate ALL of your comments. Not one of them offends me... Ok just that one I mentioned in the last post, but the rest of them, I honestly appreciate. You either are on the same page as me, and pose the same questions I do, or you have opened my eyes to a different point of view that I never thought of.

I really hope I don't come across cocky or "know it all" I try to be upfront and say that I either have no idea what I'm talking about, or I'm guessing and just asking your advice and questions on what YOU think is hard about the job. I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject but I imagine it must be a battle many SAHMs face (defending their job against people who say their job ISN'T cushy like some of us may think).

I hope you realize that I am really excited to eat my words. If having a kid and spending 3 months at home full time with them will make me HAPPY to go back to work full-time then bring it on! Haha.

But I do want to highlight a few comments that REALLY sum up how I feel and what I've learned.

How I feel: Summed up my Mrs. Smith:

"Being at home is easier than having a full time job AND being a mother. Hello! It's two things. I am NOT saying being a SAHM is not hard, it is. But can't something be a little-bit harder?"

Comments that really made the light go off for me:
Mrs. Foote:

"But you know what IS hard? Teaching kids. It's emotionally draining and requires a ton of patience. This can really push people to the brink, especially the perfectionists. They don't want to see their own flesh and blood fail. Each child you add to your family brings their own challenges and strengths. The joy in motherhood comes from watching your children overcome their challenges and maximize their potential. The heartache comes when they cannot overcome their challenges."

And Mrs. Pearson:

"Why do you think more moms are on antidepressants than any other 'profession'? It isn't just post partum that takes it out of you. You deal with kids that drive you crazy everyday, and you love them more than anything, but they never say thank you, and they don't listen, and when they do listen, it is always when you are doing something you don't want them to ever do. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically draining."

Ok Jenna and Kayce, can I just say that THOSE explanations really hit home. I often feel under appreciated at my job, but the people I work with aren't my own flesh and blood (thank goodness!) So all in all I hope you realize I wasn't trying to say the job IS NOT hard, I was just honestly asking what was so hard about it... Not trying to downplay it (although I did add a little sarcastic humor which obviously offended some, sorry). I really just.. As an outsider looking in, wanted to know.

Now, reading these responses I have more of an idea of what makes being a stay at home mom one of the hardest jobs in the world.

The SAHM Pt. 2

Ok I'm changing the beginning of this post because of the last sudden ANONYMOUS comment I got on my last post. I don't like to respond in the comments section because I'm not sure everyone would be able to see it so I'll respond at the top of this post. The following was the anonymous comment (they left another one after but I'm just posting the first one):

"Honestly. I want to give you credit for having the nerve to even post something so ludicrous.
You don't BUY it? Give me a break.
A whole blog to decide if you want a baby or not? You know you aren't going to do it right now. So, just stop talking about it every day before you do decide to do it. Come talk to us when your pregnant and then when you're a working or WAHM or SAHM.
Until then, your opinion of being a SAHM doesn't matter."

Ok first off... Ouch. Really? You're going to come and tell me my opinion doesn't matter on my OWN blog? And who is "us?" Well thanks... But apparently not many others agree with you. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to plan before hand and actually asking mothers experiencing things I may one day experience how they handle it. I'm completely honest here and I'm sorry if that offends you but in my post I point blank said I welcomed disagreements because "I'M OPEN TO BEING WRONG" so sheesh... don't get offended lady! Obviously you have a little insecurity or something because I'm not saying I know everything, I'm just stating my opinion. Take a chill pill! I also didn't just say I didn't "buy it" I asked what was so hard about it... And if you noticed, several women actually answered the question on "what is the hardest part about it" rather than just bashing me. Plus, you said you agreed with Jacyee... Well guess what? She has 6 KIDS! Four of them are quadruplets... I'm not saying that's not a dang hard job! And I can understand her for being a little ticked about my post ;o)

Oh... and several people in the comments section said they love being stay at home moms and it's not as stressful as some people make it out to be... I really think it comes down to the person... And YES... maybe one day when I have kids my mind will change completely and I'll do a 180 and think "wow... this is a lot harder than I thought, put be back to work" but that's the fun of this blog... it's a "journey" my journal of expression, and if you've read any other posts you'd realize that I change my mind often :o)

Ok... sorry do go off on a tangent people, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Has anyone else dealt with meanies? I see why people moderate their comments now. I never thought I'd want to erase a comment but yeesh! Anyway... Back to the show:

You all have been great in my quest to determine why being a SAHM is so difficult, by leaving responses here. I've baby sat for a woman a few times who is a stay at home mother. She always seems slightly stressed or uptight when I go over to her house. Seeing the way she interacted with her children was always endearing and interesting to me, but seeing what she puts herself through just made me think "I couldn't do it." At least not like that.

I think some of the same women who said things like "if my husband would watch the kids instead of watching TV yea, maybe he could be a stay at home dad" are some of the ones who also maybe, possibly, put too much pressure on themselves at home (but who am I to assume?).

I have however witnessed so many women (especially while I lived in Utah) who felt like their house had to be put together neatly at all times. The kids had to be cleaned up after almost immediately, the rules and regulations in the home were strict, and so were the schedules. It made me want to just grab them by the shoulders and say "it's going to be O.K. calm down!" I imagine if I'm going to do it my husband will have to clean up the mess we all make when he gets home from work... (Hey, whatever keeps me from taking Xanex, ok?) But really, I'm not a neat person anyway, so maybe that's why I feel that way. I can't imagine being my messy self then having a messy bunch of spawn on top of that!

By all means, if cleaning and cooking is what makes you happy go for it, but if being at home with MY children turns out to be extremely stressful, perhaps some rearranging should be done.

My grandmother is in her 50s and she looks AMAZING! I asked her how she hardly has wrinkles and she told me: "I don't stress." And she gave me some advice I don't think I'll ever forget... "If you have a problem you don't like, fix it, and if you can't fix it, get over it. Because stressing is only going to give you wrinkles."

There really are so many women out in the world who would LOVE to be at home with their children but can't afford to. Regardless if it's the world's hardest job or not... If it's a job you got to choose then it's a privilege. It may not pay monetarily but if the rumors are true, you're rewarded in much better ways.

If I ever have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom I hope I can remember this lighthearted advice I'm giving right now... And can really embrace it and make the most of it. I imagine it would be easy to get bored (with one) and go crazy (with several) but I hope that I can keep the cheerful spirit I have now and enjoy that time with my kids (and not eat my words).

I hopefully will at least get three months at home with the first and get a taste of SAHM life... Then I'LL be the one to judge if it's REALLY all that hard ;o) especially compared to a job like I have now, or worse... A job like I have now PLUS being a mom 24/7.

But regardless, I'm sure it's all not peaches and creme, I know it's 24/7, and really... I'm not trying to downplay it. Just trying to get a feel for what it's really like for you, in all honesty.

The SAHM

After seeing those 4 letters repeatedly on several blogs I read I realized what it stood for. My perception of a stay at home mom is growing. I'm not going to lie and tell you how difficult I think it is and how it's the hardest job in the world cause... Well I'm not sure if I completely believe that.

I'm not saying the job isn't difficult, I'm just saying I think there are other jobs in the world a lot more difficult and, well... That's that. Here's my envision of what a stay at home mom job is like. I've never experienced before so tell me if I'm right or wrong.

Day:

-You wake up when baby/child wakes up. If you're lucky, you have a kid that sleeps in and you get to sleep in a little too.

-You watch the kid, make sure it doesn't kill itself and try to teach them a thing or two.
-Clean, feed, entertain, nap it, etc.

-Clean around the house, do laundry, dishes, that kind of stuff (unless you have a spouse/maid that chips in with that stuff)

-Make food for everyone

Here is what I think is difficult about the position:

-Not much adult interaction

-Not much desire to get all dressed up and feel "important"-and by that I mean it may be difficult seeing friends get all dressed up for business and working to make money while you're working hard as well but not making any money.
-You constantly have kids on your heels. I mean, I hear some people don't even have time for showers.... Really?
-I imagine that all added together can drive a person to madness or sheer glee, depending on your personality.

Here's what I think is nice about the job:

-You're doing everything everyone has to do anyway but you don't have to worry about a 40hr a week job on top of that! Isn't being a mom a 24hr job regardless if you work or not?

Ok, please don't get angry. I know a lot of you women are SAHMs but I just wonder REALLY, what's SO hard about it? I mean, if you didn't like it couldn't you get a nanny, or a part time job or something? I'm guessing the good outweighs the bad. I mean, why else would you continue to do it? It's not like you don't have a choice in the matter, and at the end of the day many say it's the best job in the world. The best?... Maybe. The hardest?... Not buying it.

But I'm open to being wrong. Divulge me! Really, feel free to let me have it! Or admit I'm right ;op

The Anomaly

During The Talk I realized great things can be possible by taking unusual steps. I don't usually say this all over the Internet but.. I have a great husband! No really, he's super. It's kind of nice because while the economy is bad it's a good time to be in school. He's been staying at home, and working on finishing school... But in this process all of the housework gets done too!

I was telling some friends at work about how great it is. I haven't done the dishes in ages! He does the laundry. "HE DOES?!" One of my coworkers shrieked. Oh yea he does! But then I thought about it... He's always done the laundry and dishes. In fact, in our more than four years of marriage I'd guess I've done our laundry maybe five times. Yea, and the dishes even less than that. Every once in awhile I'll chip in and put my clothes he folds away. But he's good at that stuff. He's also really good at making dinner. I cook on my days off and he does a good job of planning meals and making them the other 5 days of the week. Needless to say, I'm a lucky woman.

But the more I thought about my luck, and thought about the possibility of being a stay at home mom the more I think "no way!" One, I'd probably go crazy. Two, I still probably wouldn't get anything done. And three, I'd probably go crazy.

As the wheels in my head turned around this subject I struck a chord when the phrase "stay at home DAD" entered into my mind.

We are not a normal couple, no way. So why stop at the weirdness we already posses? Why not take it a step further? I'd get to be both a career woman and a mom, and wouldn't have to worry about who's watching the kids. I know some would say "the mom should be at home," but really... I think you've gotta do what's best for your family. I'm not sure what's absolutely going to work for us yet, but I know if it's going to work for us any time soon, then this has got to be an option.

There have been so many times I've thought to myself "he would be better at this house stuff." Well, why not try it out!

Besides, we took a biology class once and our professor told us if a man's nipples are stimulated enough, he too can produce milk.