The Adversary

Is that was it is telling me now may not be the right time, or is it from my head, or even the Good Guys? Other than that I know there are some quote unquote: Worldly-- Sources too.

Take Sex and the City for example (I watched the TBS version ok?) These four women are obviously all in different stages of life. One is a successful columnist, dating the same guy forever... They finally get married and she's like in her 40s. Another woman is a sex addict, doesn't even really want a serious relationship, much less a marriage and kids and nearing 50. Then there's the career-driven lawyer woman with a kid and so-so marriage and the happily married professional gone stay-at-home mom with a couple of kids.

I know it's a TV show ok? But in watching this show I thought how cool it was to see different women in completely different situations and being totally happy with where they were. All of them were in their mid 30s plus. AND they were living in New York City!! (I've gotta get there).

Then, last week I turn on Larry King. Beyonce is on (love the girl) and talking to him about being a newlywed and what not--How they keep their relationship private etc. (smart girl). Well what got me was when Larry King brought the question of kids to the table. She told him of course she wanted kids, but she's so young and has so much more she wants to accomplish first while she's young. She's only 27... Wow! That's 4 years older than me!

It's not that I can't accomplish things after having children but sometimes I think I've come so far so fast--What can I do with another few years?

Then I have days where I get on the phone with one of my best friends (the not yet pregnant one). We both get each other COMPLETELY on the topic of kids--Wanting them, husbands not, friends having them--Jealousy. Well lately her husband seems to be coming around and we were talking about that when I got on one of my rants about how after kids you can never go back.

I told her: "I love looking at cute little babies and toddlers with their families but then I think of what it'll be like 5 or ten years from then, we don't stare and adore those families at church right now, or the parents with teenagers. We just like the cute little babies, but what about when they grow up? We can't just go back to being married without kids. When even they move away then there's college and weddings and grand kids to worry about! It never ends!!"

After spilling my brains of the topic I constantly dwell over the only thing she could say was "That's true. I never thought of it that way." I was a little upset... She was suppose to disagree with me or tell me it didn't matter. But nope... "I never thought of it that way," was it.

I told the same thing to another friend who recently had a baby (who I happen to babysit and love--More on that coming later) and lucky for me he said "You say that all in 30 seconds but it happens in a span of over 20 years, it doesn't all come at you at once." Although an obviously observation, it calmed me a little. It's just weird to think I've lived just over 20 years myself and the next 20 could be dedicated to other people-- Selfishness gone. I'm not sure what I think of that.

The New Feelings

I've been feeling sick the past few days. I took the day off today, because though I could get out of bed I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I could hardly move. I got back in bed and woke up again a few hours later. I thought I'd feel rejuvenated enough to accomplish something--Anything, but I couldn't. I called the doctor to ask about some things... I'm not dying, that's a good thing--I think. My body is readjusting to it's "normal" state... Or something like that. But in the process I feel like crap. I'm not hungry and all I want to do is lay around. It was exhausting just surfing the web for a few moments.

Anyway, as of today I have absolutely no desire to have a child anymore. Well, not any time soon at least. I know my husband could use my help with finishing school, I could save more, and quite frankly I don't feel like I need anymore stress in my life right now. In my head I had a picture perfect scenario mapped out, and I can see now it's not going to work out that way. So for now, I'm dropping it.

I am in a bad mood, so that could be influencing my thinking... But at this very moment if my husband came to me and said we should have a baby, I would have to say "No."

I'm planning on not planning for awhile... Maybe not until next year.

...And down the roller coaster goes again.

PS: I contemplated turning the comments off of this post, and my last because they're so personal, and hard to express. But every time I leave them on at least a few comments touch my heart and bring me EXACTLY what I need to hear at that time. So I'll continue to leave them on--But on today's post I'll add a special request for non-negativity/kindness because I'm very on-edge.